“Writing is a compulsive, and delectable thing. Writing is its own reward.” ~Henry Miller
“Knut Hamsun once said, in response to a questionnaire, that he wrote to kill time...Writing, like life itself, is a voyage of discovery.” ~Henry Miller
Nobody has ever asked me why I write, but if they did, I would begin with Henry Miller’s words above and add to them that I write to share my experience. Someone, someday, is bound to get something from my writing. In this, I share my experience being ill in the midst of a pandemic.
Most of my friends are practicing social distancing by staying home, maybe going out for food and necessities cautiously, but basically staying home, feeling well, and looking for things to do. I’ve been home for several days, specifically because I began feeling unwell. At the moment, I only have one person on my friends list who has said, like me, they are wondering whether they have Covid-19 or just a cold. Knowing that Covid-19 is highly contagious, I’ve put this together for others, so they can see if their experience is similar in the coming weeks and months.
Is it Covid-19 or is it just a cold?
First off: I may have it, I may not. I am not severely ill. I have spoken to my doctor and the County and have been told by both to stay home and call for help if I get worse. I have not been tested. I am isolating myself so that if I do have Covid-19, I won’t spread it to others.
Here’s my experience: After hearing dry coughs in the office all day Wednesday, and stifling all but one of my own (I wanted to cough a bit, but unlike the coughs my coworkers had, my cough was so slight that it was not uncontrollable), I started feeling feverish and some combination of pain and pressure in my upper chest (slight pain, more “pressure”). Took my temperature and it came out around 98.6, but for me 98.6 is above my normal and 99 is definitely ill. When I say I feel feverish, I feel feverish, but in my experience, medical professionals don’t believe I’m ill unless it’s over 100. At 98.6, I can feel feverish. I’ve been in self-isolation since.
When did I first show symptoms? That depends. Is it possible to have the sore throat, recover, and then relapse two or three weeks later, recover, and then relapse again? First, there was the sore throat I came down with right before I left for France. We didn’t have any confirmed cases in our area and I hadn’t been around anyone who had recently been to Asia (Europe was not yet a place of concern, but I also hadn’t been around anyone who’d recently been to Europe, either). I only had the sore throat morning and night. In France, I just drank hot tap water and recovered by mid-week. Was it the sore throat I had the weekend after the weekend I got back? I rested on the weekend and was well when I went to work on weekdays. I developed a sore throat and my version of a fever (99) on the fourteenth day after I came back from France, but I was well by the following Monday (and I never went to work with any active symptoms I was aware of). Then I felt ill again this past Wednesday.
If it really is Covid-19, where did I get it? If it’s possible to have the sore throat, recover, and then relapse: anywhere between home and France. If not, anywhere I’ve been since. It could have been from the woman sitting behind me on the flight home three weeks ago, the one who began coughing nonstop halfway through the flight (although Covid-19 wasn’t widespread in France at the time). Checking in at the airport to come home, travelers headed to the US were only asked if they’d been in China in the past 14 days, not Italy—that coughing woman could have picked it up in France or Italy. Maybe it came from a coworker or a visitor to my office. Whatever I have, I could have caught it anywhere.
I also have chronic conditions that make ordinary going to work in a big, modern office building every day relatively exhausting. In regular times, I go to bed very early and spend my weekends either in bed or on the couch, recovering from the week and resting up for the next one. I catch a cold or something else about once every four to five weeks. My recent trip to France was planned in a moment of optimism, when I was still very new at my job, sure that my fatigue would resolve itself once working full-time in an office became routine (funny how chronic conditions can play with one’s memory). Working from home one day a week has allowed me to go from climbing into bed the moment I get home Friday night to spending Friday evenings on the couch, able to interact with my family. Still, I’m used to coming down with something about once a month. Since mid-February, I may have had three different colds, if each one was something different, and possibly none of them is Covid-19. But I know tiredness, and this isn’t my normal tiredness.
My first definite symptoms of what I have at the moment began Wednesday, when I sorta, kinda wanted to cough all day (but didn’t, because I didn’t want to scare or potentially infect my co-workers) and had chest pressure and a slight feeling of fever by early evening. I wiped my desk down thoroughly at midday and again at the end of the day, just because it seemed like a good idea. By early evening, however, I was feeling slightly feverish (but with, technically, no fever—see above) and slight chest pain. That’s when I made the decision to begin self-isolation, to err on the side of caution. I was already scheduled to work from home Thursday, anyway.
Thursday, I felt quite ill. Fever, achy, tired. I managed to do laundry, in preparation for the potential coming doom, and worked from home (which happened to already be pre-arranged, part of an accommodation for my other conditions), and just generally felt unwell. The pressure on my upper chest increased to become actual, moderate pain as the day progressed. Lying in bed, I began feeling like I had a brick across my sternum. Sitting up, I felt like my bra was several band sizes too small. I called my doctor Thursday afternoon, before the shortness of breath appeared. He said I did not fit the profile and thought I did not have Covid-19. He said to call if I got worse. By 6:00, I was more tired, and having shortness of breath, so I called the local drop-in urgent care franchise. They listened to my symptoms, said they could not do testing, and gave me a phone number for “the County,” saying the County could help me. It was after hours and the County’s answering machine said it was the Office of Communicable Diseases. I hung up without leaving a message.
The next day, Friday the 13th, after a good night’s sleep, the chest pain and shortness of breath were gone. Working from home, I felt like I was more productive than I had been the day before. I called the County back and spoke to someone who said it sounded like I could have a mild case of Covid-19, contracted by community spread, quite possibly relating to the dry coughs I was hearing at work all day Wednesday, but that I also might not. They recommended I continue staying home, isolate myself, and keep a log of my temperature and other symptoms. They didn’t take down my name or ask where I lived or worked. Being tested was never presented as an option. By the end of the day, an email came from work telling everyone to work from home as needed, but with no blanket order for all to do so, no directive for how long to stay away from the workplace if any sort of symptoms should appear, and no discussion of sick pay being granted as needed (and that last one I’d really appreciate, if I began to feel too ill to work, since I used all the leave time I had to take my trip to France).
Yesterday, Saturday, I woke up feeling less well, but my temperature was 98.6. Where had Friday’s uptick in recovery gone? My chest pressure was not back, exactly, but my lower chest now felt “weird.” Not exactly pressure, not heartburn, and not normal. That seemed to die down by the end of the day, when I had my highest temperature: 99.6. Spent the day resting listlessly, interspersed with brief interest in knitting and writing. Went to bed, slept 12 hours.
Today, Sunday, no fever, the sensation of lower chest weirdness mostly gone in the morning, but upper chest pressure returning in the afternoon, still feel achy and tired, and I have a headache. None if this is my usual fatigue and achiness. I definitely feel ill with something. Haven’t really had much of a cough at all, though my throat has felt funny off and on, like I want to cough (I cough maybe six coughs a day, at most). I have had no sore throat, except as mentioned above, and no runny nose or head congestion to speak of.
Still isolating myself from everyone. Still not severe enough to seek medical attention. I don’t expect to be tested unless I really have need of medical care. For everyone’s safety, I am assuming that I have Covid-19. I’m also assuming that there are loads of other people with a similar unknown cold, possibly positive for Covid-19, who are also not being tested. It’s probably best to assume that recent numbers of “confirmed” cases anywhere only include the people who are ill enough to need medical care or have been closely connected with known positives.
For now, my fingers and toes are crossed that it doesn’t get worse and that I haven’t already spread it to coworkers, strangers, and loved ones. I’m super grateful I have a job that lets me work from home, especially since I like it, it’s the first job I’ve ever had pay me something close to living wage—not enough to support a family or afford housing on my own if I had to, but, hey, France—and I happen to have zero sick pay banked, because, France. Home in bed is my favorite place to be (I am basically a house-cat at heart), so I am an ill, but happy, camper for the moment. Plenty of drinking water, toilet paper, ink, writing paper, knitting, and books on hand. I am surrounded by books (if I ever say I don’t have anything to read, smack me). The electricity is staying on, despite the rain. Not much else to do beyond rest, wait, and, occasionally, write to kill time.
The above quotes from Henry Miller come from Henry Miller on Writing, published by New Directions (1964), page 104 and 106, respectively.
